i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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