There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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