I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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