His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
