So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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