fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
