Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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