Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
