yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
