you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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