Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
