Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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