Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
