This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
