I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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