happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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