I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
