I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
