They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
