I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
