My nipple is on Facebook.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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