Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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