Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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