Michael Bay diarrhea
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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