do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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