party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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