strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
