The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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