$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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