The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
