i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
