Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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