I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
