oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
