I just threw up on my dentist
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
