in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
