I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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