I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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