Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Randomize
