your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Sext me about skeletons
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
