Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
