i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
