I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
