peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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