I accidentally had phone sex last night
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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