I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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