Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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