i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
