if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
