i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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