I'm gonna have a badass scar
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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