I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
