The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
