you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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