Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
