i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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