Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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