I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
